ColdBreak
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: A spoofy adventure that chronicles the hijacking of the most powerful drone in Europe with Bond caught in the middle. He doesn't know who to trust. There's a new Q. The other fellow isn't handling it too well. Teaming up with beautiful blonde researcher Sophia Primrose Bond sets out to investigate…..something. Self parody of sorts.


Chapter 1: A Review

"Come in 007. Lots to discuss," said M promptly.  
"I'm sure there is," replied Bond as he sat down on the lavish crimson red chair.  
"Yes-you see this is a matter of intense urgency. As you are probably aware  
we recently installed a new drone deep within RAF Rudlow Manor. Known as  
Project ColdBrake it is the most sophisticated of its kind with a range of up to twenty thousand miles. It can  
deliver and scan information and weapons in a matter of days. Our answer to the CH-35 you  
might say. Anyway this little beauty for all its merit is not without its flaws!"  
explained M.  
"What might those be sir?" asked Bond.  
"Well apparently someone using your alias-err-name is it? Someone using  
your name photocopied one of your Special Secret ID cards and set foot in the  
bloody base and using his own private army and helicopter team he whisked away  
the device. We figured you were innocent from the start considering similar  
tricks have been played on you countless times before" said M.  
"Right, my face just apparently screams innocence" replied Bond.  
"What?" asked M, looking concerned.  
"Nothing, go on" said Bond coldly.  
"Save the sarcastic quips for your adversaries 007" scolded M.  
"Right, right. Let's get down to business then shall we?" said Bond.  
"Right-o. Well then old chap you should be happy to know that the man who  
assisted you in taking the blueprints for this device from that diabolical Dr. Arsery Anton in the first place has just reached Q status  
and is more than happy to assist you again in recovering it from God knows who" said  
M.

"You mean 005?" asked Bond.  
"Hello Bond," said a five foot six elfish looking man entering the room.  
"Wait a minute-I know you-you're that secret agent!" said Bond.  
"Yes, indeed. Call me Evans. I'm here to give you this Walther PPK assigned only to your bio-signature. Also,  
this special watch, handle with care. Your Aston Martin DB6 is waiting for you outside" said Evans.  
"That was quick," said Bond. Bond took note of the new Q, remembering  
not the man he knew from the old days who assisted him in pillaging  
SMERSH facilities, and instead found this familiar but all too arrogant face  
a tad unusual in demeanor, he was almost suspicious of his motives.  
"Bond! Pay attention!" commanded M.  
"Yes, sir?" asked Bond, adjusting his tie.  
"Fabulous individual isn't he? He's being considered for knighthood.  
You're booked on a flight to Switzerland. You are to meet with British History Channel Researcher Sophia Primrose and CIA Technical Analyst Eutalia Goods!" said M.

"I suppose she has the goods eh?" said Bond.

"Yes in fact her first name in Greek means plentiful. Convince Primrose to sign this document granting MI6 access to her latest episodes.  
Her latest episodes contained incredible information that should not have  
been in her hands. All these UFO obsessed hooligans running around with their high tech cameras, pity. However, we gave her immunity however and let her work for us as an interpreter" said M.  
"Right. Well, I must be off then," said Bond.

We Join Q and R:

"Looks like you've been demoted, little boy!" said Q.  
"You may have helped upgrade that drone but you were in charge when  
it was taken. The crime is on your watch, Q" said R.  
"Well then, you could have done better, eh Harry Potter?  
I suppose you'd better watch the bullocks  
coming out of your mouth because I run things around here now" said Q.

In Switzerland:

Bond entered the "Spades" gaming club. It was a tumultuously loud  
and bustling room with all sorts of unscrupulous activities taking place.  
The winter air was sweet and crisp and yet bitter and unforgiving like frostbite.  
The entire building was made of the finest ebony wood. Surely this was no mere  
log cabin. This was the long lost fabled legendary  
log cabin of elites and high society spoken of only in spy folklore as softly  
and discreetly as the faint baroque sound of a distant harmonica  
being played by a ghost in a golden jail cell. The camraderie of the glasses joining  
together for buttered toast made a mockery of the uninitiated billiards tables who  
were suffering from termite infestations. However, anything uncanny and campy quickly  
dissolved when Bond entered the scene. It was like pouring pure gold liquid into a  
clay jar of cookie dough that had been mercilessly chewed to death by ants-the kind of residual regality  
that only Bond could leave behind like the deadliest scar imaginable. He took  
note of the two women sitting in front of a table going over a book about the  
recent migrations of spoonbills. He knew right then and there instinctively which  
lady was Sophia and which was Eutalia. He was good that way. Either that or  
he looked at the dossier. Probably the latter. Sophia was a beautiful perky blonde  
with long golden angelic hair. She was in her mid-twenties. She posessed  
green eyes and a statuesque pedigree of prime refinement, but  
not without her vivacious and reckless side as well. She flounced her hair with her  
left hand time to time as if to make sure it was still with her on this earth  
plane, calmly reassuring herself each time with a "There ya are Sophie," quip which  
was usually delivered after blowing the smoke off of her gun after shooting a  
target. Eutalia was a fiery well-endowed redhead with captivating blue eyes and short hair.  
She precariously kept various weapons hidden such as flik knives and guns  
in shirt pockets, stockings, and other dirty places you'd least expect them. Unlike Sophia  
she was much less stuck up and more down to earth.  
She relied on raw instinct and impulses, she had been considered prime material  
for remote viewing due to her intuition and self confidence that she radiated  
like the scales of a rainbow trout. She spoke in a very slight Southern drawl  
that was warm and motherly. She was in her early thirties.

"Hello, my name is Bond. James Bond. May I offer you a drink?" asked Bond.

"I already got one and it tastes like bloomin' sandliver you think I want a drink? Hell no, not here" said Sophia.  
"Excuse me, Sophia, do you speak Russian?" asked Bond.  
"Excuse me..do you speak persuasion? Because you need to work on it" said  
Sophia.  
"Listen I need you to interpret these notes on the prototype for a new  
security system. They were recovered after a facility belonging to Universal  
Exports was hijacked" said Bond.  
"What do they export? Blue Marlin fins? I have no time for this"  
said Sophia. Bond was about to reach for his gun, but Eutalia placed her hand against Sophia's.  
"Let me handle this situation, pumpkin breath" said Eutalia.  
"I need you to do me a favor and run this through a machine" said Bond.  
"I don't use a machine. I use my brains" said Eutalia.  
Eutalia pulled out an electronic sketchpad and began making a diagram and advanced details  
of the notes.  
"There's a flaw in the mainframe registry. Have Q Branch analyze this further.  
Anything else?" asked Eutalia.  
"I do have a bit of a problem," said Bond.  
"We're not just slaves for your amusement you know" said Sophia. Bond  
whispered in Sophia's ear.  
"I work for MI6. If I have to I'll settle this over a game of tic-tac-toe. I'm an operative in search of  
other field agents. I was told you worked for them too was I wrong in this?" asked Bond.  
"Ohhh. No you weren't entirely wrong. Was given immunity for filming in  
an area for my show that I shouldn't have been" said Sophia.  
"If the cameras didn't show a man breaking in we'd have thought you  
did it" said Bond.  
"Yes, yes I know I know. I won't go mucking about in top secret facilities  
any longer unless I'm on a mission" said Sophia.  
"Good, just letting you know since...you're a newbie" explained Bond.  
"She's not. She killed three men while you were gone" said Eutalia.  
Bond looked shocked.  
"Yes, I did" said Sophia.  
"Why?" asked Bond.  
"They were ticking me off and I wanted my eggs benadict" said Sophia.  
"No, I mean why did they make you a double-oh, never mind" said Bond.  
"I'm not a double o I'm an interpreter. And you can't take a joke  
can you?" said Sophia.  
"No but I can crack enough to make an omellete" replied Bond.  
"He means after he kills people. Yeah, I oughta know cuz I  
dated him once...the old softie!" said Eutalia, sipping her Scotch.  
Sophia then took a rather large sip of her bourbon.  
"I feel frisky! Let's attack this bitch!" said Sophia.

Later the same day...

"So this is the facility Bond was talking about. We've been here  
before also the CIA has one just like it" said Eutalia.  
"Yes, so I hear" said Sophia. "The History Channel's headquarters are actually  
more impressive than this" she added.  
"There could be danger so stay alert" said Bond, pointing his gun to and thro.  
"Stop pointing that thing you'll give us all stomach cancer" said Sophia.  
Suddenly a dark figure could be seen. Bond was about to panic, but not before  
the figure revealed itself to be a familiar face-Jack Wade, a CIA agent who  
was in actuality the former Lousiana sherrif JW Pepper who was hired by the CIA  
after showing valor in attempting but ultimately failing to bring in a big fish-  
the famous freelance assasin known as Fransisco Scaramanga.  
"Hey mister Bond it's been a while" said Jack.  
"Indeed it has Mr. Wade. Our reunion is..heartwarming, Mr. Wade" said  
Bond sarcasically.  
"Yeah I'll see to it that our CIA team works out the flaws in this here  
mainframe registry stuff Jimbo. You go enjoy yourself a nice martini  
and lemon peel there's nothing more to see here" said Wade.  
"I'm going to join you" said Sophia.  
"No, please don't" said Bond.  
"You don't control me" said Sophia.  
"You're right, I don't. Come with me" said Bond.  
"My pleajah (pleasure)!" said Sophia in a humerous tone.

Back at Spades:

"Bond, do you remember our deal? We were to play Billiards until  
dawn!" said Evans.  
"Oliver Evans you old scamp. I'll kill you" said Bond.  
"Now then old man, take it easy. We're going to play indoors by  
the way. I never play outdoors" said Evans, moving the pool table indoors.  
"Why is that?" asked Bond.  
"Something about the cold winter air gets my blood boiling, but oh well. Now then what will it be? Let's do a nice simple game of BlackBall" suggested Evans.  
"Blackball it is" said Bond arranging the balls in a triangular fashion.  
"You know the rules-simple enough...whichever colored balls get struck with  
the cue will be the ones I choose" said Evans.  
"Yes, well you just struck red. And red is bad luck. Yellow is an advantage"  
said Bond. He continued, "Are you sure you're good at this cue thing, Q?"  
"Haha. Shame about the ColdBreak being whisked away. Where do you suppose  
it is? You suppose that Russian bloke has it? Dr. Anton? Could be you know"  
said Evans.  
"That would be quite a twist, Oliver" said Bond.  
"Oh can the jokes for once Bond" said Oliver.  
"Jokes are the only things people take seriously these days,  
that's politics" replied Bond.  
"Bah, you need to forget your problems. Oh dear, looks like all  
your balls have been pocketed" said Oliver.  
"The 8 ball will go into the designated hole...upper left corner" said  
Bond eyeballing his target and striking. It landed right where he had hoped up to  
a point, as Oliver attempted to breathe on it when it was closest to him. He failed  
and Bond succeeded in winning the match.  
"Oh damn! DAMN! Beaten again" said Oliver.  
"Yes well it's your funeral why should I care?" said Bond.  
"I don't know if you mean that literally or figuratively" replied Oliver.  
"Nor do I," said Bond looking quite cold blooded.  
"Well then old sardine, I happen to have some information on Dr. Anton's  
base. It's located in the mountains around here" explained Oliver.  
"You're talking some big game. By the way your watch nearly killed me had  
R not deactivated it in time" said Bond.

To be continued...


End file.
